By Sarah Honenberger
The Pen Woman fiction/nonfiction editor
The first paragraphs below were sent by Pen members from across the country, Oregon to Florida. Share what you like and didn’t like about these openings. Do you want to read more? Do you feel empathy for this narrator? Is there too much backstory? Too many details? Or not enough? Are you confused by something mentioned or something omitted?
In your comments, please refer to the First paragraphs by number. The authors will be revealed after the last comment is posted.
As in any writing workshop, be supportive and do not rewrite, simply tell us how the openings struck you as a fellow writer and a blind reader. In my new role of fiction/nonfiction editor for The Pen Woman, I am hoping for more dialogue between members in pursuit of the power of words to bring people closer together. While the authors posted here will not defend their intent, each is free to contemplate the feedback, incorporate it in whole or in part, or reject it.
Next month, we’ll have a different call for submissions to this Networkshop. Watch this blog for the next writing challenge. Regular submissions to the magazine are also encouraged, especially from members who have not previously been published in the quarterly. Thank you in advance for your responses.
1. I escaped Romania in the middle of the night, by bike, on February 2, 1965. It was the moment when the country was locked in a communist prison. I was seventeen years old then. Now, twenty-four years later, in the diplomatic and political frost of 1989, with the beginning of freedom, I’m returning. As I walk through customs at Bucharest’s Otopeni airport with my American passport held tightly in my hand, I feel a strange sensation: memory is pulling me back to a lost time.
2. The phone on my desk was ringing as I walked into my office, anticipating my second cup of coffee and a relatively pleasant day at work. As I lifted the receiver to deliver my usual greeting, the sound I produced was far from normal. What came out was a raspy squawk. My second attempt was worse. What in the world was going on? Why couldn’t I speak? It didn’t occur to me that morning in 1965 that I would never hear my normal voice again.
3. My father was a devoted fly-fisherman who couldn’t seem to resist the almost masochistic urge to wake in the quiet predawn hours and stumble, blurry-eyed with his loaded thermos out of the house and drive to a nearby icy cold stream or lake. He lowered his boat into the water, cranked the outboard engine into action, and navigated through the occasional murky waters taking note of the invisible currents and the direction of the wind blowing across the water. He eventually anchored his boat near the shoreline, disembarked, and stood at the water’s edge casting his lure into the open water never knowing what he’d reel in.
4. Alone at home, her husband at work and the kids at school, Bernice Resnick Sandle screamed. She exulted in her “Eureka!” moment. She’d found it — the missing card from a deck stacked against her. Her heart quickened with her scream of discovery.
5. Jose waited each day in the late afternoon until the American girl appeared at the corner of the last stall, and while she kicked her riding boots against the wood post, he watched her. For one year he had seen caked mud fall to the ground, and from one night to the next in his cot in the army barracks, he thought about the girl, saw her touching the horse, rubbing her nose against its neck, repeating Camarico in her soft Spanish. Looking through the window beside his bed, the window without glass, he dreamed she might speak his voice and draw it out, in the same way that his thoughts of her extended into the night.
6. Marina put the lights on in the kitchen and looked out onto the terrace to Central Park, which was a vision of snow. It reminded her of mornings in Romania when she was a girl, and the trees in Transylvania were covered in white frost. Her mother would prepare for her boiling tea with honey and toast thick with rose petal jam. Marina felt the same way now — happy, for she was already planning her trip in March to see her friends, Mica, Anca, and Cristina, in Paris for Cristina’s fashion show. She sipped her coffee while she scanned the news and then stopped, startled, as she read the headline, “Rafsanjani, Iran’s Most Powerful Man, is Dead.”
7. In the town of Ashton, Georgia, the order of worship was first Jesus, second America, and third, the high school football coach, with the two interchangeable if it were a winning season. It was often a winning season.
8. The walk to Chatchie’s house on Twelfth Street takes fifteen minutes. As I push the creaky, front yard gate open, three hound dogs come running and barking. The half dozen multicolored cats rub against my legs and then disappear under the front porch. “Get down,” I yell. “Aunt Chatchie, call these dogs.”
1. I like it, and am tempted to read more to find out where the narrator is being pulled back to. I would like more sensory details though.
2. This reads like a dream? I do want do know why the narrator’s voice changed and would more actionable sentences.
3. The terms “seem to” are not needed. I enjoyed reading this paragraph. I love the descriptive words that set the stage for a morning of fishing.
4. I want to know why she screamed and what the “missing card” and “deck represent. This is a great way to start a story about an moment of enlightenment.
5. This reads like the beginning of a love story for a deployed soldier. I am confused with the vision of the “stall” though. It reads in a warm and tender way that builds a sense of love and longing. I like the imagery of “her rubbing her nose against its neck” – so beautiful!
6. This left me wanting more! I think commas are needed in certain places for pause. I had to reread those sentences. Also, the very first sentence threw me a little. I “put the lights on” would read stronger as “flipped on the light switch” or maybe even use a word like “click” to create more sensory detail. Anecdotal details such as “rose petal jam” are priceless in good writing and make for a wonderful read.
7. The last sentence left me confused by the number 2 when you list 3 things. I also want more details to pull me into this piece. I’m not sure why or if I want to keep reading. I do however, see the potential for a comical read that depicts an illogical community in terms of priorities!
8. This immediately places me in the scene. The writer created sound, feel, sight in only 4 sentences. Good work!
#1 I liked getting immediately into the story. Is main character male or female? I felt the rising terror of getting back into the lost time. I want to read more.
#5 I got right into back story which led me to speculate the relationship of Jose and the American girl if they ever meet.
#6 I am in Marina’s mother’s kitchen when Marina reads of the Irani’s death. What is his relationship to her? This is a good introduction to read more. The other girls may have different stories.
#1. I like the introduction. It is engaging with a good lead into the story. The narrator could be male or female. I want to read more about the lost time.
#5. It had a good descriptive backstory that leads reader to speculate the relationship of Jose and the American girl, if and when they meet.
#6 I liked the intro to the story. I see the main character in her in her mother’s kitchen and feel her shock at reading the news. What is the Irani to her? This good lead gives reader reason read more about how his death affects her. Each of the girls may have a different story.
Apologies to all and especially the author of #2. Two typos; ‘left’ shld by ‘lifted’ the phone
and
last line shld read ‘never hear’ not ‘heard’
And I vowed to be the first editor ever to have no typos. Silly me.
I enjoyed reading each one.
#6 has a bit too much information for the first paragraph.
#3 could be shorter.
#8 would be crisper if the sentence about the cats was placed after the character yells at “Aunt Chatchie.”
#4 sets up an intriguing situation.
#2, #5, and #7 work well.
#1 captures attention as to why character is returning.
Most intriguing:
2, Squawking voice? What is happening? Stroke? Poison? I want to hear more
4. What is lost? Let’s read more.
6. The man with the Arabian name is dead — friend or villain?
All of the first paragraphs were interesting. I recommend short sentences instead of long, run-on sentences.
This is fun! Let’s hear more!
NUMBER ONE IS MY FAV. HAVING BEEN TO ROMANIA IN 1980
JUST CROSSING ALL OF EUROPE. THE ROMANIAN PEOPLE
WERE LOVELY. THEY WERE STILL A USSR HOLDING BUT
TRIED TO KEEP THINGS CALM. I LOVED BUCHEREST.
NICE JOB, GOOD FOR YOU AND GLAD YOU’RE AN AMERICAN.
1. Struck by was, was, was
3. The narrator the daughter knows all of this because…is that the story?
5. Example of a glut of information: NY, Romania, Paris and three friends, and headline with Iran. Difficult to sort it all.
6. Laughed. But if winning is usual, why is the football coach last?
7. First person is difficult and can be creaky!
1. The first piece touched me the most. In so few words, the author conveyed how it felt leaving his troubled country as a young person. Then he has a new set of feelings when he comes back and he enters that country years later.
3. Though I am not a fisherman, I was drawn to the way the father prepared to fish and the way the son described his father and fishing.
I believe #5 and #7 are the two that would interest me the most. I do not often read non-fiction works, although I just finished reading a VERY lengthy non-fiction book which I found to be very tedious reading. The writing in #5 is strong and paints a scene I can picture in my mind. I want to know more about these two characters, particularly about the young man who is in the army barracks. Where is he? When is this taking place? #7 I found very enjoyable, especially the final sentence. At this point, I’m not sure if the book will be fiction or non-fiction, but it has a dash of sarcasm or humor which I like.